WATSON AND SHERLOCK HOLMES GO CAMPING
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?" Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes retorts, "Someone has stolen our tent."
THE ZEN MASTER
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
The Red Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
IT WAS SO COLD
It was so cold...the snowman knocked on the door and asked to sleep on the couch!
It was so cold...when we milked the cows, we got ice cream!
It was so cold...the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!
It was so cold...pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep 'em warm!
It was so cold...we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
It was so cold...UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
~ Some God jokes: just for humour
WHERE IS GOD?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved.
The parents were at their wits end not knowing what to do about their sons' behavior. Then the mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys. He asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD? With that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming his door and hiding himself in his closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet saying, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in B I G trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
JUST A SECOND!
So this guy was talking to God and asked, "Hey God, what does 100 million years seem like to you?" God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me." Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?" One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me." So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?" And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
GOD WILL SAVE ME
A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says, "I won't worry, God will save me". The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me". The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me." The water rises another foot. A National Guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me." The water rises some more. The priest is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me." The water rises higher. The priest is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue the priest. He shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save me." The water rises above his house, and the priest drowns. When he gets up to heaven he says to God "I've been your faithful servant ever since I was born! Why didn't you save me?" God replies "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"
~ I liked this one personally, good one.
SCIENTISTS VS GOD
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest."
To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said no..no...no you get your own dirt!
ATHEIST AND THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both. As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!" "Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?" The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also". "God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."
~ It's wonderful how the people who made these jokes, made them.
All from the Net, don't ask me where that is!